Reality bites...hard

I know it has been a while since my last post. I've been traveling and preoccupied with other things.

One of my very best friends, who now lives in Abilene, Texas, had to have a quadruple bypass operation. He's only 31 years old and has other health problems working against him, so as you can imagine I was terrified. I drove almost 900 miles to be there for his surgery and stayed a few extra days to make sure he was recovering well. I am happy to say that he was released from the hospital this Monday and seems to be doing pretty well.

On the way home from Abilene I stopped in Oklahoma to visit family there. My mom is staying with my Aunt to help her recover from surgery, so I went to see them. I was there for my birthday and it was amazing. I spent the day showing my husband and children the places I'd grown up in. I took them to all of my favorite places and bored them with stories of my childhood. It was perfect.

We got back to Illinois two days ago. I spent yesterday catching up on things that had piled up while we were away. Then I got a rather unpleasant "welcome back to the real world" today. We received a postcard announcing the predeployment town hall meeting this weekend and we got the deployment guide for the base where he will be posted. Reality bit and it bit hard...

I don't know why it hit me the way it did. Maybe because I'm still tired from all of the travelling. Maybe because it felt to me like I still had quite a bit of time before I really had to start thinking that way. Maybe because I hate to entertain the thought of the love of my life being over there. But the reality is that he is going to be there and the time is drawing near.

I'm not naive about any of this. I've worked with countless families dealing with the very things I am dealing with. I have accepted the fact that this is happening and I thought I'd made peace with it. I've begun getting things in order and preparing for him to leave. My mantra for this situation has been "It's not good, it just is", and I've been fine. So, why in the world did I get a knot in my stomach while reading the deployment guide?

Don't get me wrong, I am not hysterical or sitting around crying about it. I just feel sick. I felt scared for the first time since he told me he was deploying. I still think I'm doing fine, but reality really bit me in the butt. Today everything really started sinking in.

I know he is going with a great group of people and I trust in the training he received from the Air Force. Somehow though that's not enough. I'm very protective of my family, and when he is over there it is all out of my hands. I am a bit of a control freak, so I think it is the reality of my not being in control is really bothering me most. I guess it is one of those "let go and let God" situations, but that's hard for me to do.

Deployments have become such a way of life in this post 9/11 world. I don't think people who have no friend or family member in the military realize what a toll these deployments take. It is not an easy process to go through for the service member or their family and friends. We all know that this is a likely possibility when our loved one chooses the military for their career, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier when it's their time.

I know that the next 2 months will fly by and soon he'll be gone and I'll be here trying to carry on and trying to keep things as normal as possible for the kids. I also know that we will be fine and life will go on. As I said before, none of this knowledge makes it any easier to deal with the realities of the situation. With that said, my goal is to handle things with as much grace and dignity as I can without losing it or falling apart. I need to be strong, as much for myself as for my husband. If he thinks I'm falling apart he'll worry. He has enough to worry about without worrying about what is going on at home. My husband knows I'll miss him terribly, but he also knows that I am tough enough to deal with it.

My mission during this deployment is to take care of myself and the kids and keep things running as smoothly as possible at home. I am going to make sure that he doesn't have to worry about what is going on back here. I want him to be able to stay mission focused so he can come back to me in one piece. That is the mission I chose as a military spouse and I will carry it out to the best of my abilities.