Air Force Wife Life

Contact me

2011-05-15T15:10:00.002-05:00

I get many comments with questions or just wanting to talk. Anyone who would like to contact me...follow me on Facebook. I'm always on there. If I don't know the answers I will find someone who does. I may not always know the right thing to say, but I'm here for you all and will help if I can. I know it's not easy and sometimes you feel lost or frustrated and just need to vent...I'm here. Cristy Barham on Facebook.

FML

2011-05-15T14:38:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone, it has been a while. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer on April 27, 2011. The day after my birthday. Nice, huh? Well, it is what it is. I'll be having surgery soon and maybe then I'll get back to life.

I am still going to school. I'm still getting a 4.0. Not sure how, I just am. It keeps me sane. I'm fighting this hard, really hard...and planning to win. Failure is not an option for me. I have 3 kids and a highly deployable husband, so I have no choice. Fix it and move on.

Enough of that, let's talk Air Force Wife stuff.

The leadership response was "Tell us what you need from us." Sounds awesome, right? Well, it probably was until we killed Bin Laden. You see, I didn't schedule my cancer around our finding and killing Bin Laden, so for the Air Force that is a problem. My husband is Security Forces, and the threat con level went up which meant more manning. I guess his unit is running at minimum manning, and again, this is a problem. The doctor told us it was serious and I needed to go to the Cancer Center ASAP. I had an appointment scheduled for 2 weeks after the diagnosis. When the cancer docs got my info they bumped my appointment up a week. Being my first appointment there, and knowing we would be discussing my surgery and follow up treatment, my husband wanted to be there. Guess what? Yep. Bin Laden jacked up my life and he's not even alive anymore. We were told "no can do" when he requested to go. So my best friend Alec picked up the slack and took me instead. I'm not going to lie, I was upset. I got it, but that doesn't mean I liked it. Now I have roughly a week to get things done (including finals) before surgery. My husband wants to help, but they are on 12 hour shifts, which end up being about 16, so when does he have time? This is where being self reliant as an Air Force Wife comes in very handy.

I've approached this from the angle of "what would I do if he was deployed?" Because honestly, right now as much help as he is, he might as well be deployed. I don't like to ask for help ever, but when balls are being dropped because he can't be there I need someone to pick them up. I've got too many balls in the air to juggle all alone. I have just taken on everything and decided to handle this as I would have handled it had I gotten the diagnosis while he was gone. It works to an extent. It throws me off when I'm in my "you're on your own" zone and he finally shows up at 8 at night for dinner. Then I have to switch into "oh he's home, I have to fix dinner now" mode. Honestly it makes me nuts.

Being a military spouse isn't easy, and anyone who tells you it is...well, don't listen. The military is a whole different ball game than civilian life. The military comes first...always. I love the military. I was raised an AF brat and am now a spouse, in a few years I'll be an AF mom. The benefits of being in the military can't be measured. The sacrifices we make as spouses are minimal to what those in the uniform do for us every day. His unit is unbelievably supportive of me in my fight. I'm surrounded by great friends and family. I'll get through this because I'm a tough country girl who also happens to be an Air Force Wife.

Having a support system is key. Not just for when you are dealing with something big like cancer. It's important when they are gone TDY or deployed. Those are huge times that you have to have support. The people at the base are there for you, the other spouses are there for you. Hopefully your family and civilian friends support you. You need that. Sometimes you need help, even if you don't like to ask (guilty!). Sometimes you need to vent. Sometimes you just need a distraction. Surround yourself with good people and you can survive anything. In my opinion you don't find better people than you'll find in the military.

The husband will be there for my surgery. That is great. They are working with us and being as flexible as they can. I can't help it that the timing of my cancer and Bin Laden coincided. That's just bad timing, and I'm a pro at that! It's not my husband's fault, or the Air Force's fault. It is what it is. I tell everyone, as a military spouse don't make plans. If you do make plans though, make them in pencil...they are always subject to change. If you can accept that, you'll be fine.

Holidaze

2010-12-03T09:00:00.002-06:00

So it's that time of year...time to juggle. When do we celebrate what and where do we do it and with who? That's always how it goes with the military. Can you get leave? When are the kids off school? Do we have time to get there and back? If we go see family who do we see when and for how long? This year I think we are staying here, because my husband will be on duty. I'm actually looking forward to not rushing here and there and being able to just relax with the kids and enjoy the days.

For us, this year is very different than what we've normally had. My dad passed away so my mom went to spend the holidays with my Aunt. I am spending my holiday break determining if I have ovarian cancer. My son rolled his truck (which was my dad's) and we are trying to keep it from being totalled as well as dealing with his injuries, which may end up being more serious than originally thought. His concussion may have caused him to develop a subdural hematoma and may require surgery. All this, and I'm trying to finish up the last couple weeks of the college semester. My husband is on duty for Christmas, so we won't be traveling...which probably wouldn't have happened anyway due to my son and my health circumstances. So this year I'm focusing on the true meaning of the holidays and what is really important...not the hustle and bustle of running here and there and trying to outspend everyone else. It will be a simple holiday, but nice I hope.

I am so glad that this year my husband is home and not away in Iraq. Christmas on Skype last year was nice, but not quite the same! I do have several friends who are gone this year to various locations, and I hope they have the best holiday possible, but they are missed.

I guess in this short little post I'd like to say happy holidays to you all, and I hope you take time to remember the things that are really important. Don't forget our military members who don't get to eat the home cooking and be surrounded by family. If not for them, where would we be? So keep them in your hearts, and pray for their safe return.

Air Force Wife First, Everything Else Later

2010-10-07T09:05:00.003-05:00

For nearly 17 years I've always put myself last and my husband first. That's just how it is sometimes as a military wife. Whatever he wanted to do I supported 100%, and I still do. All the plans I had for my life prior to getting married got put on the back burner. I knew someday I'd be able to get around to doing some of it. In 17 years a lot of "life" happens. Things change, and that's not always a bad thing.

I've always tried to make sure that my husband and my children had everything they needed and have been able to do whatever they wanted to do. I've quit jobs so that it would be easier for my husband to do what he needed to do for his career. As a matter of fact I quit a job with the DoD when my husband deployed last time. My job required quite a bit of travel and with him being gone I felt I needed to be home for the kids all the time. My dad was also very sick, so quitting that job seemed to benefit everyone. I was there for the kids, my mom, my dad, and my husband could reach me any time, day or night.

Now I've gone back to school to become an oncologist. My husband told me that he wanted to support me the way I've always supported him. He wanted me to come first for a change. He wanted me to finally do what I wanted to do. My husband talked to his unit about transferring to the base near the school I had chosen. Things seemed to be working out, but I still had that little voice in the back of my head saying "don't hold your breath!" Things are rarely that simple when the military is involved.

Last week my husband came home and told me that one of the senior NCO's had come up and said "You should really consider staying here a few more years. You're not a piece of s*$t and I really don't want to let you go." That is a compliment in the Air Force...lol. He said that his unit would understand if he left, and that if I still wanted to go we would move ahead with our plans. I asked him what he wanted me to do, and of course I got no input what so ever.

He will be up for promotion soon, and from what he was told by the senior NCO, it sounds like he will get it. I don't want to do anything that would impact his military career. I don't ever want him to have a moment where he thinks "why didn't I just stay at Scott??" With all of that in mind I started looking at schools near here. There are a few that would do, but they don't have everything I had found at the other school.

So, once again, I've decided to "settle". That's not a bad thing, and I don't resent my husband or the Air Force. When I married him, and in a sense married the Air Force, I knew this was part of the deal. The Air Force comes first the majority of the time. I suppose that is one of the many reasons they say that being a military spouse is one of the toughest jobs in the military. All I have to do is adjust my dream so that he can have his dream. I will still be an oncologist, I just may not get to go to the school I wanted. I support my husband and what he is doing, now and forever. I love the Air Force and everything that comes with it. If that means being an Air Force wife first and everything else later, then that is what I will do.

Long time no post....

2010-10-03T12:54:00.004-05:00

Hello everyone!!! Let me start by saying, I apologize that I've neglected to post for a while. My normal everyday chaos went into overdrive, and I just didn't keep up. Now that I'm back, I will do what I always do and fill you in on what's been going on...

We sailed through deployment with surprisingly few "catastrophes" this time. I'm either used to it and handling them with more ease, or it really was smoother this time. Thank goodness for Skype!! The internet in Iraq is less than ideal, but Skype did allow me to see and talk to my husband every day. The time difference made things interesting, but we adjusted...well, I adjusted, and it worked out fine. He would call every morning on Skype to talk to the kids before they went to school, then I would stay up until the wee hours of the morning waiting for him to call me when he was off duty. Compare it to having a new born baby...you adapt to a different sleep pattern and it gets to be no big deal! So I highly recommend getting a laptop or netbook with a camera on it if you have someone deploying...they appreciate being able to see you as much as you love seeing them! I liked to "see" him because I knew if anything was wrong by looking at him...just talking on the phone you can't always get the full effect of what may or may not be happening.

The day they returned home my dad was very sick. We had been dealing with health problems with him for roughly 4 years and it was looking like he was going back to the hospital. So, I was a bit preoccupied that day. I remember a woman from the USO coming up to me at the welcome reception and saying "You are so calm." I told her that I just roll with the flow...it's all you can do. When we got word that their plane was coming in I don't know that I was "calm" anymore. I'd never been so excited to see one of those ugly grey planes in my life. When he stepped off that plane I nearly tackled him! I felt this huge sense of relief that now I didn't have to do this all on my own anymore.

My dad did end up in the hospital, but it was so wonderful to have my husband physically present to help me through it. The doctors did not expect my dad to make it. They obviously had never met my dad...retired Air Force Chief Master Sergeant. He fights and does not just give up. It took a long time but he amazed them and came home. He ended up doing better than he had done in years!! He had an amazing 4 months. Then July rolled around....

We watched my dad start to slowly decline for about 3 weeks. We knew it was different than all the times before. We had been dealing with heart, lung, and kidney problems for 4 years. He was on dialysis and oxygen at home as a matter of fact. This time though his problems seemed different. Mom and I kept saying we felt like we were missing a piece to the puzzle. We tried and tried to get him to the doctor and he would have none of it. Finally, on 13 July 2010, we had convinced him to go to the doctor, but he couldn't make it. Mom called an ambulance and we were all off to the hospital. They thought he had a stroke, but he didn't. Then the blood work started coming back. EVERYTHING was off...and way to low. So, he was admitted and he started getting blood and platelets. It didn't work. The next day we stayed at the hospital all day. After getting home we were called to come back. Dad had a bad nose bleed and they couldn't stop it. He was, as they put it, in "very critical condition". They managed to stop it, but the situation had taken a very serious turn. The following day they did a bone marrow biopsy. We got the results back on Friday, 16 July 2010. My dad had Burkitt Lymphoma. It is very aggressive and he'd only had it for a month, which is exactly how long he'd been going down hill. The oncologist said "the best case scenerio is tragic" and recommended hospice. They didn't know how he was still alive because his bone marrow looked like "post-mortem" bone marrow. My dad, the strongest, toughest man I knew...the man who could beat anything, was not going to beat this. On Saturday my mom decided to put him in a hospice room so we could be in there all night. (We had been sleeping in the waiting room because he was in ICU). The kidney doctor said we had to stop dialysis because fluid was going to accumulate in his lungs and he would essentially drown. We've been told since he started dialysis that he could only go one day without it, so this was a huge and devestating blow to me. We spent the night Saturday night with him. Me, my husband, my oldest son and my mom watched my dad fight with everything he had to stay with us. Sadly, at 10:05 the next morning he lost his fight. He died in my arms with his head lying on my chest.

I've talked about being tough and strong as a military wife. None of that helped me with that loss. It is going on 3 months now, and I'm still not over it. I would like to tell you though, that being a military wife meant more to me through that time and the times to come afterward, than I could ever express. As soon as they heard what was going on at the base my husband began getting calls. They had given him as much leave as he needed, without him even asking. He was at the hospital every day, he was off through the funeral and about a week after. People he worked with watched our younger kids so we could stay at the hospital. They wanted to bring us food at the hospital, they just wanted to do anything to make it easier for us and for my mom. When my dad died, they all jumped into action. We of course got flowers...but it was so much more. My dad was being taken from Illinois back to Oklahoma (where my family is from) to be buried at Fort Gibson National Cemetery. His blues were cleaned and my husband made sure they were perfectly put on him down to the finest detail. The people from his unit showed up at 4:30 in the morning, in their blues, to move my dad from the funeral home to the hearse headed for the airport. They gave him a final salute, and sent him off with honor. They made sure he had full military honors at the cemetery in Oklahoma. They had connections down there and made sure everything my dad deserved was done. They sent flowers to the funeral home in Oklahoma, and cards to my mom. You don't know what that meant to us.

Say what you want about the military, but we are a family.

Now I am back in college. I'm going to go to med school, for oncology. I couldn't save my dad, but maybe I can help someone else. I'm getting "A"s, and I'm doing it for my dad.

So, as you can probably see, now I'm a mother of 3, Air Force wife, college student and trying to adjust to life without my dad. I've been busy! I try to be there for my mom because August would have been their 56th anniversary. She can't adjust. She tried telling herself that this was dad's final "PCS", but that only worked for so long. She told herself she'd been on her own a lot throughout his military career, but this is different. This time he isn't coming back.

I'd like to close by saying...I'm sorry for rambling on about my dad. I told that story in hopes that you would see just how wonderful being a part of the military could be. Sure, it has it's ups and downs...what in life doesn't? But when one of you are down and your military family rallies around you to help...it makes all the other stuff not seem so bad. We have amazing friends through the Air Force. I know there is nothing they wouldn't do for me. What really went a long way though was the response of leadership. They made sure things were handled so I could have my husband with me as long as I needed to, and they never pressured him about when he needed to come back. Any sacrifices I make for my husband to serve in the Air Force are more than worth it, think about the sacrifices they make for us every single day.

Reality bites...hard

2009-04-29T14:07:00.004-05:00

I know it has been a while since my last post. I've been traveling and preoccupied with other things.

One of my very best friends, who now lives in Abilene, Texas, had to have a quadruple bypass operation. He's only 31 years old and has other health problems working against him, so as you can imagine I was terrified. I drove almost 900 miles to be there for his surgery and stayed a few extra days to make sure he was recovering well. I am happy to say that he was released from the hospital this Monday and seems to be doing pretty well.

On the way home from Abilene I stopped in Oklahoma to visit family there. My mom is staying with my Aunt to help her recover from surgery, so I went to see them. I was there for my birthday and it was amazing. I spent the day showing my husband and children the places I'd grown up in. I took them to all of my favorite places and bored them with stories of my childhood. It was perfect.

We got back to Illinois two days ago. I spent yesterday catching up on things that had piled up while we were away. Then I got a rather unpleasant "welcome back to the real world" today. We received a postcard announcing the predeployment town hall meeting this weekend and we got the deployment guide for the base where he will be posted. Reality bit and it bit hard...

I don't know why it hit me the way it did. Maybe because I'm still tired from all of the travelling. Maybe because it felt to me like I still had quite a bit of time before I really had to start thinking that way. Maybe because I hate to entertain the thought of the love of my life being over there. But the reality is that he is going to be there and the time is drawing near.

I'm not naive about any of this. I've worked with countless families dealing with the very things I am dealing with. I have accepted the fact that this is happening and I thought I'd made peace with it. I've begun getting things in order and preparing for him to leave. My mantra for this situation has been "It's not good, it just is", and I've been fine. So, why in the world did I get a knot in my stomach while reading the deployment guide?

Don't get me wrong, I am not hysterical or sitting around crying about it. I just feel sick. I felt scared for the first time since he told me he was deploying. I still think I'm doing fine, but reality really bit me in the butt. Today everything really started sinking in.

I know he is going with a great group of people and I trust in the training he received from the Air Force. Somehow though that's not enough. I'm very protective of my family, and when he is over there it is all out of my hands. I am a bit of a control freak, so I think it is the reality of my not being in control is really bothering me most. I guess it is one of those "let go and let God" situations, but that's hard for me to do.

Deployments have become such a way of life in this post 9/11 world. I don't think people who have no friend or family member in the military realize what a toll these deployments take. It is not an easy process to go through for the service member or their family and friends. We all know that this is a likely possibility when our loved one chooses the military for their career, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier when it's their time.

I know that the next 2 months will fly by and soon he'll be gone and I'll be here trying to carry on and trying to keep things as normal as possible for the kids. I also know that we will be fine and life will go on. As I said before, none of this knowledge makes it any easier to deal with the realities of the situation. With that said, my goal is to handle things with as much grace and dignity as I can without losing it or falling apart. I need to be strong, as much for myself as for my husband. If he thinks I'm falling apart he'll worry. He has enough to worry about without worrying about what is going on at home. My husband knows I'll miss him terribly, but he also knows that I am tough enough to deal with it.

My mission during this deployment is to take care of myself and the kids and keep things running as smoothly as possible at home. I am going to make sure that he doesn't have to worry about what is going on back here. I want him to be able to stay mission focused so he can come back to me in one piece. That is the mission I chose as a military spouse and I will carry it out to the best of my abilities.

"Can I tell you something kind of good?": A double edged sword...

2009-04-07T13:00:00.001-05:00

The other day my husband came home from work and says "Can I tell you something kind of good?" Heck yes! I'm always up for good news, and this was coming on a particularly stressful day. My 81 year old Aunt was having surgery on her carotid artery and I had a phone call from one of best friends telling me he needed a heart transplant but doesn't qualify due to his other health problems, so they are going to attempt bipass surgery but can't make any guarantees. So yes, by all means tell me something good!

He tells me that his training prior to Iraq may only be 2 weeks now, rather than 1 month as we've been told, and he might get to come home for 2 weeks before deploying. I sat there almost dumbfounded and the first thought I had was "When do we get to the good part?"

Now before you think I'm a horrible person and quit reading, let me defend myself to you, just as I did to him. Unfortunately my mouth reacted before my brain could stop it and I said "I'm not sure I want you home for those 2 weeks." Of course he reacts the same way you probably did and says "Fine I'll stay out at the base and won't tell you I'm home." Then I began my defense...

The bad part of him going to training before he leaves is that I don't get to tell him goodbye before he goes to Iraq. The bad thing about him coming home is I do get to tell him goodbye before he goes to Iraq. I say that because it kills me to say goodbye to him anytime he goes anywhere for long periods of time. It will hurt bad enough seeing him off to training and knowing from there he goes to Iraq. Just imagining telling him goodbye as he boards a plane to Iraq makes me cry, so how in the world will I do it for real?

I was looking at that month of training as an adjustment period for us, time to get used to him being gone without the added pressure of him being in Iraq. Mostly that would apply to me because I'm old enough to overthink the Iraq part of the equation, for the kids it doesn't matter as much, daddy is gone and that's all they really factor in. However, I do think it would put us all on a roller coaster that I don't want to ride.

For my family it takes us that first week to get into our new groove. That means we'd get in our "daddy's gone groove", then he'd be home only to leave again and we'd have to get back in the groove again and this time for a lot longer. I really think it would throw my 4 yr old off. She adjusts pretty well, but I don't want him to leave the 2nd time and have her thinking in a couple weeks he'll be back.

I would love nothing more than to have 2 more weeks with my husband, but at the same time I am afraid of what it will do to us emotionally. It will be hard, but if that's how the Air Force wants to do it then I'll get through it. I will make the most out of those 2 weeks and suck it up when it's time to say goodbye again. When the big one comes (2nd goodbye) I will just find a way and get through it just like I've found ways to get through everything else.

My husband understood where I was coming from, and I hope you do to. It's not that I don't want him here...I do, more than anything...it's just that it will be awful saying goodbye a second time so soon. It truly is a double edged sword, it's good and it's bad, but in the end it is what it is and all we can do is deal the hand we are dealt.

Just when things were getting back to "normal" you are leaving again??

2009-03-31T12:09:00.001-05:00

It was funny to look back on everything that had happened to me and my kids, because now it was over. It was nice to feel like things were getting back to normal. Life was good, everyone was happy and then there was a flood. Not here at our home, but north of us and all along the Mississippi River. My husband comes home from work one day and says "I've been put on alert." Great! You've been home 2 or 3 weeks and now you're leaving again...oh boy. This was bad timing. Really bad.

The kids and I, and my husband too, had really just got back in the "whole family together" mode. Of course a couple of days later he got the call and he was gone. Off to fight the flood. It was a good thing to be doing. Helping all those people affected by the flood and trying to save towns from going under water. How could I care, right? But I did. I wanted him HERE.

But, this is the life we signed up for, so I just reverted back to the "mommy and daddy all rolled into one" role. At least this time he wouldn't be gone for 6 months. It was hard because I felt like I had just gotten him back. I felt like a child who doesn't want to share her toys- I didn't want to share him with the rest of the world who needed him.

It wasn't too horrible. We talked every day. The worst part was that he missed our daughter's 4th birthday. He was gone for a few weeks, and it was easy when he came home. No biggie. I got comfortable with him being here and then the biggie came. He told me his unit was going to Iraq. I told him not to volunteer, but in the end he was "voluntold" and he is going on the deployment. They leave in July for a month of training here in the US, then they'll be in Iraq for 6 months.

Holy crap! Seven months total this time! Have you read my first blog? If so, you see what happened in roughly 6 months. If not, go back and read it! I think I was shocked. Then it hit me... we'll be fine. I mean, seriously, if I got through all that crap last time I can get through this. Bring it on! My mom always says "yeah you got a good taste"... good taste? I think I got the whole meal.

I know I can do it. I know I will do it. But as I sit here roughly 3 months away from the deployment I find myself thinking I don't WANT to do it. I don't want him to leave and miss our daughter's first day of Kindergarten and our oldest son's first day of high school. I don't want him to miss the boys' birthdays and all the holidays. I don't want him to go, period. He is going though, and there is nothing we can do about it.

My daughter gets it this time a little more. She hasn't really got a concept of what "Iraq" means, but she knows daddy is leaving and is unsure about it. My middle child (the emotional one) keeps asking if daddy has to go, and when I say yes he wants to know why. My oldest is the only one who seems fine with it. He wants to go to the Air Force Academy and be a fighter pilot, so he always says "Oh well, that's just the military." I think secretly he's happy he gets to be man of the house again!

If you are a military spouse you know that at no time did anyone tell you this would be easy. If you are a military family the same is true. We have to endure things that most people can't imagine. But the great thing is we do endure. We are strong and we get stronger.

In my case, my kids, my friends and my wonderful parents are what get me through when I'm ready to give up. I also have a great family readiness coordinator at our base. She's always there and can usually find the answers to anything that comes up. I hate to ask for help, but since becoming a military wife I've learned that sometimes you just have to. Don't let your pride get in the way. We are all a part of a greater family...the military family. It is full of wonderful people who can relate to what you are going through. Many of them have "been there, done that" or are going through the same things. You aren't alone!

In this day and time we are learning to "get used to" (as much as is possible) the ups and downs of our spouse coming and going more and more often. Hopefully one day soon when our spouse comes home it will be for good. Until then, just remember whatever you are going through, you aren't alone. We'll get through this again, whether we like it or not, because we are a strong part of the military family.

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Reunion...almost as fun as you'd think. Almost

2009-03-31T08:32:00.002-05:00

If you read my previous post, you can imagine how much I was looking forward to my husband coming home. At last I wouldn't have to handle the craziness alone, or better yet, maybe the craziness would stop! Now, don't get me wrong, it was amazing to be able to look across the table and see him sitting there instead of looking at the empty chair that we had left his jacket hanging on all those months. It was nice to have him lying next to me in bed instead of sleeping with his shirt. Things were definitely looking up.

Then reality hit me... he's different, more confident, more organized, more driven. It was a good thing. But wait! I'm different, too. How could I not be? I felt like I'd survived a war! The kids were definitely different, and that was really the kicker.

My oldest son, who at the time was 13, had been the man of the house. He helped me so much, especially when I was recovering from what I like to call "the hole". He was a big help around the house, learned to cook quite a few things, helped with his younger brother and sister and even helped my mom by learning to help me clean and bandage the hole when I couldn't do it myself. He really stepped up and did way more than should have been expected of a 13 yr old. So now that Daddy was home we had a power struggle on our hands. My son was doing things that my husband now wanted to take back responsibility for. I can't even tell you how many times I said to my son, "Just be a kid again", but it's not that simple.

My younger son, who was 9, was pretty glad to have Daddy home. He's my emotional one. When my husband first left he cried all the time but as time moved on and we got in our groove he adjusted quite well. I guess he realized in his own way that life was going on and we were doing alright.

My daughter, who was 3, was really funny. The only time she even mentioned my husband while he was gone was if she was in trouble. Then I'd hear "I want my daddy" and the waterworks would begin. Even when we dropped him at the airport I don't think she would have cried, but when she saw my 10 year old crying I think she felt obligated. She would just casually talk about daddy being "at Texas" and move on about her life. I was envious. I wish it had been that easy for me. I missed him terribly and cried in the shower A LOT.

I was over the moon that he was coming home. As I said though, we had all changed and had to adjust to "our new life" together. We had all grown and changed, but we hadn't grown apart. It was just an adjustment. My husband got tired of hearing things like "well Mommy let us do it this way" and "when you were gone we did blah blah blah".

I think on some level we all thought he'd come home and things would go back to the way they were before he left- immediately. That's just not possible. Things will never be the same, but that's not a bad thing. We had our life before and now we were beginning our life after. Another new adventure...

I guess all I want to get across with this post is that you can't expect things not to change. You'll change, they'll change, but as long as you realize that, you can adjust. Don't build up this idea of the perfect reunion and how it is all going to go smoothly because you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. You will have a wonderful reunion and things will get back to a "new normal", but you have to be flexible and patient. Another part of being a military spouse!

As long as you are prepared to get to know each other again as the people you are post deployment, you'll be ok. If you expect that things will be as they were, you're in for a longer harder road. Reuniouns are a glorious thing and in their own way they are fun, just be ready for some adjustments.

Kids are the ones that really have to adjust. I don't think they realize that things will be different. They adapt to new situations so easily. Mine adapted quickly to me being both mom and dad. They got used to the way I was doing things. It was an adjustment to get used to "including" my husband in things again. I'd make decisions and do things and then say "Oh I should have told him about this..." or things would come up and I snap at him and say "You don't understand! You weren't here!" The kids came to me for everything because for 6 months that's what they had to do, they had no choice. When Daddy got home it didn't occur to them to go to him for things, Mommy had been in charge for the last 6 months. Habits are hard to break.

At first it may seem as chaotic as when your spouse first left because you are again trying to get used to a new situation. But enjoy your reunion, have fun getting to know each other again. Share all the ways you've grown and be proud of each other for your accomplishments! Before you know it you and your kids and even your spouse will be in a new groove, and again life will go on.

**Tune in to PBS tomorrow at 8 p.m. for “Coming Home: Military Families Cope With Change.”**

If It Is Going To Happen It Will Happen While He Is Gone

2009-03-30T06:14:00.000-05:00

Growing up an Air Force brat I often got to see my mom handle things while my dad was gone with what seemed to be ease. I'm the daughter of a true military man. He was Active Duty for 30 years, retired Chief Master Sergeant and then went back to doing basically the same thing as Civil Service. Now I'm seeing things from a new perspective. Now I'm the Air Force wife who tries to handle everything while her husband is gone, but let me tell you-it's not necessarily with "ease". Last year I was initiated to the Air Force Wife Life with what I like to call "trial by fire". I hope when you read my story you'll see that you can handle more than you think and you'll get through it just fine. If I did it, anybody can. Trust me...

My mom always reminds me that she tried to warn me: "If it's going to happen it will happen while he's gone." It's not that I didn't believe her, I just never believed it would be so extreme...

Last year, January 2nd, 2008 to be exact, my husband went to basic training at Lackland AFB, Texas. He joined the Air National Guard, and at the age of 35, was going to BMT with all those young fellas. This was his 2nd attempt at BMT. He had gone before and got injured. He came home and recovered from his injury and went back. I was so proud and couldn't wait for him to show up all those young guys. So we got him off to Texas and my children and I went home to start adjusting to our situation.

Between BMT and Security Forces tech school immediately after he was to be gone roughly 6 months. I was on chemo at the time for a medical condition and it had more or less wiped out my immune system. The first 2 weeks that he was gone I spent fighting bronchitis and pneumonia. It wasn't fun, but I'd pretty much expected it to happen since I had nothing to fight off an infection with and my 3 little germ factories (kids) kept bringing home colds from school. Then, during his 4th week of training, January 24th, 2008, things went from bad to worse real fast.

At first it didn't seem that bad, I felt like I had the flu and then I got this red knot on my upper arm. The knot hurt and it was HOT! I'd put ice packs on it and they'd melt right away. My mom wanted to take me to the doctor but I refused, stating that it was "too cold outside." The next day I woke up feeling even worse if that's possible, and I could barely move my shoulder. Then I noticed red lines streaking up and down my arm, sort of radiating from the knot. I called my mom to tell her I thought I was getting worse and she told me we were going to the ER.

By the time we got there my hand had gone numb and I was so dizzy I thought for sure I'd faint. Of course, as is my luck, the ER was extremely busy with critical patients and car wrecks. We must have waited for 2 hours when I finally said "get me back there or I'm going to collapse right here." After examining me the doctor called in a surgeon and I was rushed into surgery. I had a MRSA staph infection (that's the nasty flesh eating "super bug") and roughly 24 hours to live. It was spreading from my arm towards an artery and to my heart and lungs. I was so loopy from the infection spreading through my body that I didn't comprehend how serious it was until the next day.

I woke up the next morning and learned just how close I'd come to not being here today. They had to cut a 6 inch diameter 2 inch deep hole in my arm, taking lymph nodes, tissue, muscle and cutting through nerves. They also had to tunnel down my arm as well as under my collar bone to get ahead of the infection, to prevent it from spreading to my heart and lungs. I was lucky, but not out of the woods yet. I had to be on strong IV medicines for quite awhile because they couldn't be absolutely sure they'd "gotten it all."

The Red Cross got ahold of my husband and obviously he was devastated. He wanted to come home because I had a long road to recovery ahead of me, but I told him to stay. He was just getting ready to leave for "warrior week". He was nearly done with BMT and I wasn't letting him quit. So he stayed there and I recovered with the help of my mom. I was immediately taken off the chemo and my body responded well to the treatment.

I kept telling the doctors and nurses that I was going to Texas to see my husband on February 13th. The doctors said "we'll see." I was determined...I HAD to see my husband. At some point during my recovery and before I went to Texas, my son broke his foot and didn't know how. Fantastic! Then I thought my water heater went out, but imagine my surprise when I went to flip the circuit breaker to reset it and the circuit breaker box starts popping and shooting sparks out at me! My house almost caught on fire and I had to have the whole circuit breaker panel rewired. The time came for my doctor's visit prior to going to Texas and I was recovering better than he expected, so I was cleared to go!

I landed in San Antonio with no problems at this point, rented my car and set off for the hotel near the base. Of course I got lost. It took me twice as long as it should have but I found my way to the hotel. One more day and I'd be reunited with my hubby for a little while!

I still had the hole in my arm, but it was getting smaller. I unpacked my travelling medical supply store: betadine, gauze, telfa pads, medical tape, antibacterial soap, Lysol hand sanitizer and Lysol spray (I wasn't taking any chances on picking up something in that hotel room!) and I was trying to imagine my husband's face when he saw "the hole". We had a great visit and I came home feeling like the worst was behind me. My husband was starting Security Forces Tech School and we'd be able to talk every day now. Surely nothing else would go wrong...right?

This is when I realized God must have a strange sense of humor. I had to make it until the end of May and my husband would be home. No problem. And then we had a mysterious kitchen fire that to this day still can't be explained. We got it put out before any damage was done, but still...seriously?? My car was in and out of the shop, I don't even remember how many times, I just know it was pushing $1000.00 in repairs.

Somehow, with the help of many friends and my family, I had finally made it to May. My arm was healing nicely, better than the doctor had ever hoped. Things seemed to be calming down until my oldest son got jumped and beat up at school. Long story short I had a crazy lady to deal with in one of the boy's mothers and the police ended up getting involved. My son was ok, and the boys were dealt with, but that was just about more than I could take. No one messes with my kids, and if they do it hurts me as much as it does them. I was so hurt for my son!

Somehow we all pushed through it and the day came for me to fly back to Texas and bring my husband home! I almost missed my connecting flight in Dallas, but I made it by the skin of my teeth. I got to San Antonio and this time I didn't get lost trying to find the hotel. Things were looking up. My husband and I had a romantic night at the Riverwalk and we were going home...together!

I guess as I close this blog I want to say that I'm not writing this to scare anyone. I want you all to see that I made it through all of that and came out fine. Better than fine actually. I had a new found confidence in myself. I knew I could handle things on my own now. Even my dad, who isn't big on compliments or affection, said he was proud of me. He said "with all you had to deal with you did a really good job. You should be proud of yourself." And I was!

I don't think my experience could be described as "typical", but I did learn to expect the unexpected. It is funny now looking back, but at the time I thought I'd lose my mind. It was hard, but we did it. My kids and I survived some ridiculous situations together. That's how we did it...together. You can't do it alone. You need a support system, but you can do it.

My husband is now Active Duty and getting ready to deploy in 3 months. He'll be gone for a month of training and 6 months in country. 7 months this time, can you imagine what's in store for me this time? Neither can I, but I know I'll get through it. There is a reason military spouses are the strongest people you'll ever meet. It all goes back to the words of my very wise mother, "if it is going to happen it will happen while he's gone." And when it does, you'll handle it and come out a stronger person. I did.